Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Cracking the Da Vinci code

There's been a lot in the press recently about the Catholic church's attempts to discredit the Da Vinci Code. I'd like to add my own plea to those considering reading the book. Please don't.

My reasons are wildly different to the Vatican's, however. It's just that the book is rubbish. No, that's not enough. I think that this is easily the worst book I've ever read. To say that it is terribly constructed, full of inconsistencies and the characters are laughable is simply inadequate. It is the literary equivalent of having warm milk poured directly into your brain. For hours after finishing the book I just stared into space, any chance of coherent thought nullified by the onslaught of sixth form plotlines I had just endured.

Take Leigh Teabing, the eccentric English academic. As an Englishman it is hard not to feel a little patronised by his characterisation. Look, he likes to drink tea! Oooo, see how the lower classes cow to his Lordship! I honestly wonder if Dan Brown has ever been to the UK.

Another example is Robert Langdon's flashback to his college lectures. It's hard to describe how unintentionally hilarious these passages are. Suffice to say I actually laughed out loud reading them.

It physically hurts me to think that there are so many great books in the world and that the Da Vinci Code is one of the most popular ever. Do yourselves a favour. Avoid it, or I'll track you down and beat you to into oblivion with a copy of Seize The Day. That's right! It will be a slow and painful death.
I'm telling you; you should never read books that are advertised in big posters on the tube (except for Murakami, but everyone has heard of him now, so you have to do it surreptitiously). Also, I have a golden rule of thumb never to read a book in which any part of the front cover is embossed. I bet the author's name is embossed isn't it? Or written in Tom Clancy silver?
Finally, to avoid any other pitfalls, never read any books that have been published in the last 100 years. That should see you right.
Hardy ruuuuuuules.
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